Bella has always been a confident little girl who tries to be as independent as she possibly can be and often tells me ‘no’ when I offer to help her with something. She’s determined and she’s feisty and I love her for it. But since we returned from our holiday she’s like a different child. Suddenly my independent little madam wants her Mummy constantly. When we arrive somewhere she becomes shy, clings onto me and sometimes hides her face. If I’m honest this is a complete shock to my system. It’s so out of character for Bella and I’m not entirely sure how to handle it. Josh is finding it difficult because she never wants Daddy anymore, it’s always Mama.
This morning was a perfect example. Every Tuesday since I returned to work when Bella was 9 months old, she has spent the day with my Mum. Today when I dropped her off before work, she didn’t want me to leave. She clung to my neck and sobbed. She screamed and shouted my name, over and over again. Eventually my Mum had to prise her out my arms before I made a mad dash out the door to my car, holding back the tears myself. Cue the Mum guilt. I spent the whole 40 minute drive to work feeling terrible for leaving her and going to work and just wanting to turn around and go pick her up. Even though I know that she’s absolutely fine, that she probably stopped crying before I even drove away and that she will have a lovely day with her Nana.
I’m sure the reason behind this all is because we have been away a few times over the summer and Bella had both of our undivided attention and since returning home it’s taking her a bit longer to settle back into our normal routine of work/nursery/ a day with my mum during the week. It’s probably a phase and I’m sure it will pass before we know it but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I’m trying not to see it as a bad thing, I’m trying to focus on soaking up all the extra cuddles, all the times she asks to hold my hand or to sit on my knee for a story. Because I know these moments won’t last forever and I’m a big believer in just ‘letting them be little’.
In just over a month my baby turns two and I’m totally not ready to be a Mama of a two year old. I feel more emotional about her upcoming second birthday than I did about her first I think. At one she still seemed so little and babylike, especially as she didn’t start properly walking until she was about 14 months old. But now she’s a proper toddler, not only does she walk, she runs (normally in the opposite direction), she climbs, she explores and she generally just loves life! She keeps me on my toes with her strong willed personality that’s for sure. I love watching her grow and I’m so proud of the beautiful caring little girl she is becoming. But my god do I wish I could turn back time some days, to when she was a snuggly little babe who loved nothing more than snoozing in the crook of my arm.
Two nights ago we decided to change Bella’s cot into a toddler bed. I wanted to wait until after she turned two but she clearly had other ideas on the matter. After numerous occasions of her climbing out we finally bit the bullet and just went for it. I didn’t expect it to be a walk in the park but that first night was haaaaaard. There was a lot of objecting, a lot of googling, and I lost count of the amount of times we put her back to bed. Eventually she gave in and fell asleep and woke once around 3am before going back off until 7am. Last night however, was much easier. She still objected but the process was much quicker and once asleep she slept right through until we went in to wake her up at 7.30am. It was probably a fluke, and no doubt tonight will be hell but it doesn’t stop me being super proud of her if not slightly emotional to say goodbye to another part of her babyhood.
This Motherhood lark is so bittersweet but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Apologies for the ramble, it’s been a tough few Mama days!